John Has Cena-Nuff

Pro wrestling legend John "The Prototype" Cena retired from WWE on Saturday, the company he kept afloat for over a decade during an period that could only be called the "at least it wasn't Diesel in 1995" era. His much hyped "Final Match" turned out to be against Gunther, a 39 year old Austrian up and comer who has won the now-defunct WWE/NXT UK title, has won the WWE World Heavyweight title twice, and is also the longest-running WWE Intercontinental champion, ruining the entire existence of the Honky Tonk Man. That said, he never held the Spinner Belt that The Rock won and then placed in the nearest industrial shedder, so he'll never be on that level. Anyway, Gunther of course beat Cena in his last match, by forcing him to tap out to a sleeper hold. Cena was notable for always giving up in his matches, so it shouldn't be much of a surprise that he tucked tail and ran.

(the last sentence is a lie)

In the aftermath of Cena shockingly tapping out and losing his final WWE match, there's been a whole heaping helping of controversy, hot takes, and a general misunderstanding of how professional wrestling functions. Controversy creates cash, as a certain guy who would still be selling meat out of a truck in Minneapolis (as Hulk Hogan might say) titled his book, but John Cena tapping out to another wrestler in the very last match he will be having in the territory is far from shocking. It would have been a far bigger surprise if Cena had actually pulled out the win, not just because of his "Cena Wins, lol" reputation in the late 2000s and early 2010s. Sure, Sting got a win in his last AEW match, but that was a tag match and he was all about elevating Darby Allin. Closer to WWE, The Undertaker also won his last match, which was a pre-recorded boneyard match against AJ Styles at CovidMania, but there was no inkling he was done like there had been with Cena. Mostly because The Undertaker was supposed to be dead, and as such could wrestle forever as long as the embalming held up.

Cena's loss, in the exact way that it happened, is the pinnacle of a story that they have been telling for several years now: that John Cena is washed up, and not the same guy he used to be. He got spiked by Solo Sikoa. He lost to Austin Theory (!!) at WrestleMania. He openly talked about how long it had been since he won a match. Given that for years, and years, Cena beat everyone, overcoming sometimes ridiculous odds that could be downright laughable, this was a shocking revelation that he turned into a jobber to the glorified jobbers. He embarked on a retirement tour with the intention of winning the Royal Rumble. He did not, but at least gave Jey Uso his flowers when he won. Frustrated, he used his powers to force his way into Elimination Chamber, a heelish, desperate maneuver using his name value to force the issue. He actually won the Chamber match, by pinning CM Punk after Seth Rollins took him out. Even this seemed like the antithesis to the Cena Moral Code, taking advantage of a situation to finally get a pin. Then he kicked Cody Rhodes in the dick.

Cena's heel run sucked, really, because it's something nobody wanted and it was extremely predictable despite the shock of the initial turn. Cena would be in trouble and would either kick guys in the dicks or knock them out with the WWE title he won from Cody at WrestleMania. But at this point I think it sucked for a reason. It's no coincidence that Cena couldn't win any matches unless he cheated - he's washed up! He can't go anymore! "Cena Wins, lol" is dead and buried in the ash heap of "Hogan Wins, lol" and "Ziggler Loses, lol" in the annals of funny sayings about overpushed and underpushed WWF/E wrestlers. It's also no coincidence that after Cody Rhodes beat the shit out of Cena on Smackdown during the dumb contract signing and reset the switch on the back of his jorts to good, Cena immediately lost the title back to Rhodes at SummerSlam. Like always he fought hard, but without whole "kick Cody in the dick or bash him in the skull with a belt" gimmick, he had no advantage.

He did beat AJ Styles at Crown Jewel, but since Australia is the land down under, an upside-down finish makes sense. He did win the Intercontinental title from Dom Mysterio, but there were some shenanigans in that match and also even a washed John Cena should be able to beat a wrestler who only knows his dad's moves, specifically when said dad is Rey Mysterio, who Cena has known for 20 plus years. Naturally, he lost the belt back to Dom a few weeks later when Liv Morgan tricked Cena and whoops, kicked him in the dick. Won't anyone think of the penises of these wrestlers? The entire tour is "John Cena sucks" and I don't mean where they chant that during the horn parts of his entrance music. He just doesn't have the ability to be Super Cena anymore and is letting us all down easy. The heel run, bad as it was, was his other way of letting everyone accept his retirement - we wouldn't miss him if everyone hates him. It failed, and they relented.

So while the Cena/Gunther match was a brutal affair, and Cena did everything he could right up to dropping an Attitude Adjustment from the second rope and putting Gunther through a table, he couldn't get the pin. All those instant death moves from 2010 just inflicted mild pain, the wrestling equivalent to a Phillip Rivers throw in 2025. He could still do some of the moves, but just not do them effectively enough to take out Gunther. While Cena tried his best to escape the sleeper - doing so multiple times, in fact - he eventually just accepted his fate and tapped out. Sure, it was a tap out that seemed more like he was bored and ready to go home, but Mr. "Never Give Up" did just that. This, of course, is taken from the perspective of "wrestling is real" - in "wrestling is predetermined" speak, John Cena is far too old-school and respectful of the business to ever do anything but lose his final match. He just chose to go out in the most shocking way possible. It's very likely WWE pushed him simply passing out to the sleeper, but you know the absolute maniac that is John Cena said no, let me tap out.

Cena's loss circles me back to the idea of a wrestler "going out on their backs" when their time ends in a promotion. Back in the days of territories, there were always "loser leaves town" matches where a wrestler moving on would put over the one sticking around, to elevate their standing for future feuds. Gunther forcing John Cena to give up continues to establish Gunther as a modern-day legend killer, only this time sending guys into retirement in the most embarrassing ways possible. The win helps Gunther in many aspects - it gives him potential nuclear heat that he can use to his advantage in matches and promos, and establishes him as a killer heel in the main event scene. Yes, he was world champion, but only seemed to battle mid-level guys like Damien Priest and Jey Uso, and thus never seemed to break in to the level of true main event guys Rhodes, Rollins, Reigns, etc. Taking out Cena could do that. The old legend is leaving the territory, and helping out the ones staying behind.

All this said, I don't think Gunther was the right final opponent for Cena. Gunther is 39, and is an established, known name in WWE. I get what they're doing and where they're going, but I'm of the viewpoint that the last guy should have been an NXT wrestler. Given the remainder of the Saturday Night's Main Event was all WWE vs. NXT, why didn't they make the tournament an NXT exclusive and have John put over one of their top guys? Ricky Starks, Oba Femi, Myles Bourne, Ethan Page Trick Williams, etc. Even Joe Hendry - the part where The Miz got bodied by him prior to Cena's match was fine and all, but imagine how one of these future stars could have been elevated by pinning or submitting Cena. Femi I can work around because he got his star moment vs. Cody Rhodes, but the rest? All suitable final opponents. Cena came in as the scrappy new guy answering the challenge of Kurt Angle (who also would have been a perfect final opponent if he was still able to go as a bookend), so it would have been rhyming for him to do the same. Only he would lose.

All told, the Cena retirement tour was a disaster in both storyline and out of storyline. The point of Cena being a washed up old man who needs to kick the can down the road to someone else was sound and effective, but it's how they went about it. They just abandoned the Cena heel turn midway through, apparently because the audience didn't seem to pick up on the story that was being told and just wanted the Cena they were tired of 10-15 years ago back for nostalgia's sake. Just imagine him remaining WWE Champion until now, with everyone desperately trying to take the title from him and Cena desperately fending them off with increasing levels of underhandedness? They could have made a star out of the one guy who managed to overcome the odds and finally end the reign of terror in the nick of time before he took the belts and left. I know it would have been something of a funhouse mirror of CM Punk in 2011, but they could have done something really satisfying if they stuck with it.

(I can only imagine a situation where the entire roster, tired of his shit, comes out and beats the living hell out of him so he can't fight back. A "Sonny Corelone at the tollbooth" scenario, if you will)

Cena says the pivot allowed them to do many different things that weren't planned, and this is probably true - Cena wouldn't have finally finished the Grand Slam if he didn't become a babyface again to beat Mysterio - but sticking to the plan had a satisfying conclusion if they only had the courage. Wrestling is weird in that things can change so fast depending on the temperature of the audience, or the temperature of the temperamental guy who used to run WWE, but this is the one story they could and should have kept going. Cena could have lost Saturday, came to his senses, apologized for his shenanigans, explained himself, and still walked away a departing hero. Alas. He still departed a departing hero, but may also have backed the WWE into a corner they may have struggles getting out of. The fans are mad about the nature of his loss and the person he lost to, no matter the reality of unwritten wrestling rules. Had they stuck with The Plan, they might be thinking differently today.

I will end this with an admission - I always have liked Cena. I loved his Doctor of Thuganomics era and really wish they had leaned back into it a bit this year, but the beauty of the WWE tape library is that I can go back and relive it that way if I want to. That era, however, is long gone. Even in his "Never Give Up" era where everyone hated him and he just rolled with it as "everyone can have an opinion" passive aggressiveness, I liked him. The Rock vs. Cena build-up was messy, but I liked him. He's a good wrestler and a decent human, despite all his faults that have come out, namely sucking up to China and not completely condemning Vince McMahon after he was exposed and removed from his company. He's been part-time or less for so long that I've already adjusted to him not being around, but I'll still miss not seeing him make an appearance as a guy who apparently slept in jorts and a t-shirt with his name on it. I'm sure he'll go into the WWE Hall of Fame next year, which he deserves, and I'll be sure to watch his future TV and movie projects. It's the end of an era here, and to be honest, I'm glad it ended the way it did - wrestling retirements can and almost always do get messy.